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Families!
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SheridanTris
Apr 27, 24 13:14
Post #1 of 14 (691 views)
Is it me or is it just becoming “the norm” that family loyalty doesn’t exist anymore.

Admittedly there is quite a large age span in our family but an immediate (close) family member is getting married (mid 30s). Although my side of the family my late wife and I filled a hole left by an absent abusive parent. We paid for private school for 7 years, took them ski-ing every winter including New Zealand and USA. Included them for 10+ years in our summer holidays, planned Christmas around them so they never missed out.

We never expected anything in return except a thank you and good manners. Just found out the wedding is beginning of August and not invited. I get it is their choice but a simple letter or phone call would have been nice. My wife would have been devastated. We stayed close and organised their 30th birthday party so it isn’t as if we drifted or fell out.
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Re: Families! [SheridanTris] [ In reply to ]
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DavHamm
Apr 27, 24 13:26
Post #2 of 14 (684 views)
SheridanTris wrote:
Is it me or is it just becoming “the norm” that family loyalty doesn’t exist anymore.

Admittedly there is quite a large age span in our family but an immediate (close) family member is getting married (mid 30s). Although my side of the family my late wife and I filled a hole left by an absent abusive parent. We paid for private school for 7 years, took them ski-ing every winter including New Zealand and USA. Included them for 10+ years in our summer holidays, planned Christmas around them so they never missed out.

We never expected anything in return except a thank you and good manners. Just found out the wedding is beginning of August and not invited. I get it is their choice but a simple letter or phone call would have been nice. My wife would have been devastated. We stayed close and organised their 30th birthday party so it isn’t as if we drifted or fell out.

That sucks not sure its "loyalty" or even family, seems you feel close to them. Do you know for sure your not invited and not that its lost in the mail?

I don't do social norms well, is there someone close to them who you could ask why you were not invited, Possible oversight? I think its okay to ask someone why you were not invited, and to let them know your disappointed. -- but as I said I have been told I don't social norms well.
Just Triing
Triathlete since 9:56:39 AM EST Aug 20, 2006.
Be kind English is my 2nd language. My primary language is Dave it's a unique evolution of English.
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Re: Families! [SheridanTris] [ In reply to ]
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noskcaj46
Apr 28, 24 11:10
Post #3 of 14 (571 views)
SheridanTris wrote:
Is it me or is it just becoming “the norm” that family loyalty doesn’t exist anymore.

Admittedly there is quite a large age span in our family but an immediate (close) family member is getting married (mid 30s). Although my side of the family my late wife and I filled a hole left by an absent abusive parent. We paid for private school for 7 years, took them ski-ing every winter including New Zealand and USA. Included them for 10+ years in our summer holidays, planned Christmas around them so they never missed out.

We never expected anything in return except a thank you and good manners. Just found out the wedding is beginning of August and not invited. I get it is their choice but a simple letter or phone call would have been nice. My wife would have been devastated. We stayed close and organised their 30th birthday party so it isn’t as if we drifted or fell out.

I would be upset. Are you sure the invite did not get lost in the mail? I have had that happen more than once with bridal showers and weddings.
The current trends I notice with weddings I have been at disregard all traditions that require the bride and groom to speak to guests but find every opportunity to collect money throughout the entire evening. I have 4 nieces and none of them have even bothered to say hello or thanks for coming to us at their weddings. I don't really care to go to anymore so maybe I wouldn't be upset after all.
It has shown me where their loyalty is and it isn't with family who have watched them grow up, been at every bday, graduation, school play, Christmas etc. We are only invited for the cash and gifts then they don't care if they ever talk to us again.
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Re: Families! [SheridanTris] [ In reply to ]
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ThisIsIt
Apr 28, 24 12:42
Post #4 of 14 (540 views)
Sounds like they might be older and getting married? Are they having a small, privatish wedding with only a few people. Are other family members at a similar level to yourself being invited?
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Re: Families! [noskcaj46] [ In reply to ]
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SheridanTris
Apr 28, 24 12:48
Post #5 of 14 (531 views)
noskcaj46 wrote:
SheridanTris wrote:
Is it me or is it just becoming “the norm” that family loyalty doesn’t exist anymore.

Admittedly there is quite a large age span in our family but an immediate (close) family member is getting married (mid 30s). Although my side of the family my late wife and I filled a hole left by an absent abusive parent. We paid for private school for 7 years, took them ski-ing every winter including New Zealand and USA. Included them for 10+ years in our summer holidays, planned Christmas around them so they never missed out.

We never expected anything in return except a thank you and good manners. Just found out the wedding is beginning of August and not invited. I get it is their choice but a simple letter or phone call would have been nice. My wife would have been devastated. We stayed close and organised their 30th birthday party so it isn’t as if we drifted or fell out.


I would be upset. Are you sure the invite did not get lost in the mail? I have had that happen more than once with bridal showers and weddings.
The current trends I notice with weddings I have been at disregard all traditions that require the bride and groom to speak to guests but find every opportunity to collect money throughout the entire evening. I have 4 nieces and none of them have even bothered to say hello or thanks for coming to us at their weddings. I don't really care to go to anymore so maybe I wouldn't be upset after all.
It has shown me where their loyalty is and it isn't with family who have watched them grow up, been at every bday, graduation, school play, Christmas etc. We are only invited for the cash and gifts then they don't care if they ever talk to us again.

This is exactly what has happened in my opinion. We spent more than 100k making sure they had the best education and didn’t miss out on anything, especially family experiences. Now that my wife has passed and I have taken early retirement whilst I sort myself out, it would appear I have “little” to offer.

Bitter pill to swallow but I won’t be paying 1k for a wedding present. I will just send a card and wish them the best.
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Re: Families! [SheridanTris] [ In reply to ]
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mv2005
Apr 28, 24 14:02
Post #6 of 14 (485 views)
SheridanTris wrote:

This is exactly what has happened in my opinion. We spent more than 100k making sure they had the best education and didn’t miss out on anything, especially family experiences. Now that my wife has passed and I have taken early retirement whilst I sort myself out, it would appear I have “little” to offer.

Bitter pill to swallow but I won’t be paying 1k for a wedding present. I will just send a card and wish them the best.

I have no idea what the current trends for weddings are, whether the age of social media has led the couple to preference friend over family. I can see situations where even in the traditional setting some family get stiffed due to limited budgets or space. But from the sounds of things you go well beyond ‘some family’.

We had more family/family friends than personal friends at ours, but then neither of us mixed in big circles and hers were overseas. I was influenced by tradition but even so I also liked having reminders of my upbringing there. Maybe tradition is no longer in vogue.

I can see why this would be upsetting. There appears to be a lack of acknowledgement as to how they became the person they are today; clearly you played a large role in shaping them.
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Re: Families! [SheridanTris] [ In reply to ]
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Harbinger
Apr 28, 24 14:46
Post #7 of 14 (467 views)
SheridanTris wrote:
noskcaj46 wrote:
SheridanTris wrote:
Is it me or is it just becoming “the norm” that family loyalty doesn’t exist anymore.

Admittedly there is quite a large age span in our family but an immediate (close) family member is getting married (mid 30s). Although my side of the family my late wife and I filled a hole left by an absent abusive parent. We paid for private school for 7 years, took them ski-ing every winter including New Zealand and USA. Included them for 10+ years in our summer holidays, planned Christmas around them so they never missed out.

We never expected anything in return except a thank you and good manners. Just found out the wedding is beginning of August and not invited. I get it is their choice but a simple letter or phone call would have been nice. My wife would have been devastated. We stayed close and organised their 30th birthday party so it isn’t as if we drifted or fell out.


I would be upset. Are you sure the invite did not get lost in the mail? I have had that happen more than once with bridal showers and weddings.
The current trends I notice with weddings I have been at disregard all traditions that require the bride and groom to speak to guests but find every opportunity to collect money throughout the entire evening. I have 4 nieces and none of them have even bothered to say hello or thanks for coming to us at their weddings. I don't really care to go to anymore so maybe I wouldn't be upset after all.
It has shown me where their loyalty is and it isn't with family who have watched them grow up, been at every bday, graduation, school play, Christmas etc. We are only invited for the cash and gifts then they don't care if they ever talk to us again.


This is exactly what has happened in my opinion. We spent more than 100k making sure they had the best education and didn’t miss out on anything, especially family experiences. Now that my wife has passed and I have taken early retirement whilst I sort myself out, it would appear I have “little” to offer.

Bitter pill to swallow but I won’t be paying 1k for a wedding present. I will just send a card and wish them the best.


I feel for you. That sucks. But, I would remove them from my life. Some people are not deserving or not appreciative. I would not send a card or acknowledge them at all.
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Re: Families! [SheridanTris] [ In reply to ]
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40-Tude
Apr 29, 24 7:59
Post #8 of 14 (371 views)
SheridanTris wrote:
Is it me or is it just becoming “the norm” that family loyalty doesn’t exist anymore.

Admittedly there is quite a large age span in our family but an immediate (close) family member is getting married (mid 30s). Although my side of the family my late wife and I filled a hole left by an absent abusive parent. We paid for private school for 7 years, took them ski-ing every winter including New Zealand and USA. Included them for 10+ years in our summer holidays, planned Christmas around them so they never missed out.

We never expected anything in return except a thank you and good manners. Just found out the wedding is beginning of August and not invited. I get it is their choice but a simple letter or phone call would have been nice. My wife would have been devastated. We stayed close and organised their 30th birthday party so it isn’t as if we drifted or fell out.


Perfectly understandable reaction (yours). If your/wife's past involvement were acts of unconditional love, then you could shrug it off, as it's not a quid pro quo (still, hard to do).

You didn't say if the family member is the bride or groom. Which has traditional implications for who's paying. Maybe they're paying the wedding themselves and have a very small budget, and therefore a very short guest-list?

Rather than write them off and be spiteful, you could go the other way and invite them to a lunch or dinner w/you? To celebrate their upcoming nuptials. Kill 'em w/kindness. If they accept, you could then poke a bit. If they decline, well there's some other dynamic at play. But at least you made a goodwill gesture (again).
Last edited by: 40-Tude: Apr 29, 24 8:00
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Re: Families! [40-Tude] [ In reply to ]
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Barks&Purrs
Apr 29, 24 8:08
Post #9 of 14 (354 views)
40-Tude wrote:
SheridanTris wrote:
Is it me or is it just becoming “the norm” that family loyalty doesn’t exist anymore.

Admittedly there is quite a large age span in our family but an immediate (close) family member is getting married (mid 30s). Although my side of the family my late wife and I filled a hole left by an absent abusive parent. We paid for private school for 7 years, took them ski-ing every winter including New Zealand and USA. Included them for 10+ years in our summer holidays, planned Christmas around them so they never missed out.

We never expected anything in return except a thank you and good manners. Just found out the wedding is beginning of August and not invited. I get it is their choice but a simple letter or phone call would have been nice. My wife would have been devastated. We stayed close and organised their 30th birthday party so it isn’t as if we drifted or fell out.


Perfectly understandable reaction (yours). If your/wife's past involvement were acts of unconditional love, then you could shrug it off, as it's not a quid pro quo (still, hard to do).

You didn't say if the family member is the bride or groom. Which has traditional implications for who's paying. Maybe they're paying the wedding themselves and have a very small budget, and therefore a very short guest-list?

Rather than write them off and be spiteful, you could go the other way and invite them to a lunch or dinner w/you? To celebrate their upcoming nuptials. Kill 'em w/kindness. If they accept, you could then poke a bit. If they decline, well there's some other dynamic at play. But at least you made a goodwill gesture (again).

Agree w/ the above.

In the nightmare that is wedding planning, the OP’s person might not have authority to invite the people they want. Goddamn— the pressure to please future spouse or future in-laws might mean that the OP’s person is making unfortunate compromises. :(
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Re: Families! [SheridanTris] [ In reply to ]
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ironclm
Apr 29, 24 9:07
Post #10 of 14 (333 views)
One thought - aren't you in France? Is the wedding in the US? That might shed some light on why they didn't invite you (if that is truly the case). But you would think that good manners would have made you aware of it. ("Just wanted to tell you that we're getting married. I know late Aunt would be thrilled. We are having a small ceremony so have limited guests.")
clm
Nashville, TN
https://twitter.com/ironclm | http://ironclm.typepad.com
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Re: Families! [ironclm] [ In reply to ]
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SheridanTris
Apr 29, 24 10:04
Post #11 of 14 (304 views)
I am in France but the wedding is in UK which is an 80 minute flight away.

Numbers aren’t limited or any budget restrictions. My wife would have been thrilled as she heavily invested in the development years.
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ironclm
Apr 29, 24 14:37
Post #12 of 14 (245 views)
Well then, I for sure would inquire and lay some guilt just for good measure.
clm
Nashville, TN
https://twitter.com/ironclm | http://ironclm.typepad.com
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Re: Families! [SheridanTris] [ In reply to ]
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spockman
Apr 30, 24 4:39
Post #13 of 14 (196 views)
Loyalty to institutions the family being one of them are now supposed to be entirely voluntary and identities are to be lightly worn. It isn't just you. In a few days I am moving my mother in to live with us though. I regularly see families that see their elderly relatives as a drag.

Freedom. One could say that even children shouldn't be obligated to be loyal to their parents. They didn't chose to be born. They didn't chose their parents. They should be free to chose their own associations. Or at least that is the spirit of the age.

You did a good thing regardless of the lack of gratitude.
They constantly try to escape from the darkness outside and within
Dreaming of systems so perfect that no one will need to be good T.S. Eliot

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Re: Families! [SheridanTris] [ In reply to ]
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sphere
May 1, 24 10:37
Post #14 of 14 (125 views)
This

Quote:
We paid for private school for 7 years, took them ski-ing every winter including New Zealand and USA. Included them for 10+ years in our summer holidays, planned Christmas around them so they never missed out.
plus this

Quote:
Numbers aren’t limited or any budget restrictions.

is why you never give a gift with expectations attached.

People are assholes. It's not your fault. Skip the card and save the postage, it won't mean anything to them anyway.
The devil made me do it the first time, second time I done it on my own - W
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