Tell me how to deal with this.

May 10, 24 16:19

Post #1 of 18 (911 views)

Hi everyone! It’s been a while since I’ve been around. My FB got hacked and I could not unhack it so I had to start over. They completely dismantled my old account so I couldn’t even go back to find names to friend. Sorry 😞

I am in a quandary and didn’t know where to go for help, so here I am. I’m hoping the collective Slowtwitch can help me understand and deal with my feelings.

I have a neighbor, Jeanelle. We were really close friends. We would sit on the front patio and watch the world go by for hours. Just sitting and talking. One day J came over and said she had a back ache and that it had been bothering g her for a little while. We discussed it and she felt ok about the necessary surgery she was facing. The surgery left her paralyzed from the waist down and she had to move to an assisted living place. Lucy kept up most of the communication, but I would text her now and again. We went to see her about 2x/mth. (It was a long drive and took the whole day to visit!).

The last time we saw her she was in decent spirits even though she was told her cancer had returned and that she needed to start chemo, again. That was about 4 months ago.

Lucy has been texting her every couple days for the last couple weeks so we could find a day to head up to see her. No answer. She was always a little slow replying, but never completely blew us off.

This morning we found out she died. We did not know her family or any other friends besides my other neighbors. I’m kinda freaking out. I’m not getting any closure or anything really. I feel terrible that we didn’t even know she was “that” sick. We knew she was taking the chemo, but the last time we saw her she was optimistic and joyful.

Ok collective ST, tell me how to deal with this

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace." Jimi Hendrix

Re: Tell me how to deal with this. [Nova] [ In reply to ]

May 10, 24 16:21

Post #2 of 18 (905 views)

Nova wrote:

Ok collective ST, tell me how to deal with this

I think by doing exactly what you're doing. Talking about her, and what she meant to you. Tell stories. To other people, but mostly to yourself.

And welcome back!

Re: Tell me how to deal with this. [trail] [ In reply to ]

May 10, 24 16:28

Post #3 of 18 (892 views)

This. And time.

Very sorry about your friend, sounds like they went through some real crapfor a while. I hope they are at peace now, and that you can find peace remembering them.
- Jeff

Re: Tell me how to deal with this. [Nova] [ In reply to ]

May 10, 24 16:55

Post #4 of 18 (863 views)

Thanks

It’s weird that she died what I can only guess is alone.

:(

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace." Jimi Hendrix

Re: Tell me how to deal with this. [Nova] [ In reply to ]

May 10, 24 17:16

Post #5 of 18 (836 views)

Agree with Trail. Talk about it. With us, with others, with yourself out on a walk. Don’t bottle it up, especially if your first instinct was to come to us in the LR. That means you want to talk about it, so do it.

The other piece of advice is don’t try to rationalize it. You’ll only drive yourself mad.

Happy to see you posting again: and I hope you can get some peace day by day.

Sending good thoughts your way.

Re: Tell me how to deal with this. [Yeeper] [ In reply to ]

May 10, 24 18:57

Post #6 of 18 (774 views)

Good suggestions above. Two more thoughts:

1. It is way too early to be thinking about closure or being concerned that you’re not moving yet in that direction. Focus on the good memories and don’t worry that you’re upset. That’s normal so soon after getting the news. In time, closure will come.

2. Don’t knock yourself or Jeanelle for her decision not to share the seriousness of her situation. People have all sorts of different ways of handling the news that their condition is terminal. Those different ways are not a commentary on your friendship. It’s natural to feel sad that you didn’t get a chance to say goodbye or comfort her in her final days. But, don’t hold it against her that she chose a different course — and it’s possible that the end came suddenly.

Re: Tell me how to deal with this. [Nova] [ In reply to ]

May 11, 24 5:19

Post #7 of 18 (683 views)

Welcome back Nova.

Closure is an interesting word when dealing with this type of situation. For me I prefer acceptance. The biggest loss in my life was my father, which was 33 years ago. I've never had closure, but acceptance he's gone. Closure to me is an end to something, and while your friend (like my father) is gone, our relationship with them hasn't ended. They're still part of us, so I accept he's gone and our relationship has changed.

And as others already said but it's worth repeating, you need time. No set amount, to each their own.

--------------------------
The secret of a long life is you try not to shorten it.
-Nobody

Re: Tell me how to deal with this. [Nova] [ In reply to ]

May 11, 24 5:55

Post #8 of 18 (658 views)

Have you figured out yet what it is in the situation that bothers you?

Could it be you feel guilt over not enough support?

Could it be you are doing a comparison back to your life and wondering if something similar might happen?

Are you upset you didn't have more communication?

Did you have an argument that was left unresolved?

One of the beautiful things in getting to know people, is in realizing that anyone can be a mentor. Good mentor, bad mentor, something in their life that you can import and take as guidance for your own.

One of my good training partners died a year ago of cancer. Cancer for two years before, which left him a 97lb shell of himself. While what he wanted was separation and space from people to work on his own healing, he effectively cut off his business, cut off communication with many friends, didn't have much for visitors. I was in the inner circle but still was "apart" from him to some extent.

The mentor lesson? When I go, I don't want to be that apart from everyone. I don't expect to broadcast to anyone and everyone a terminal illness, but I don't also want to separate myself from loved ones and friends. Let them in and enjoy the good stories from the past.

Maybe dig a little deeper into why you are upset in this situation and work on that. And use your neighbor's lesson to you in a positive way.

Re: Tell me how to deal with this. [Nova] [ In reply to ]

May 11, 24 6:00

Post #9 of 18 (652 views)

She had no family?

They constantly try to escape from the darkness outside and within
Dreaming of systems so perfect that no one will need to be good T.S. Eliot

Re: Tell me how to deal with this. [Nova] [ In reply to ]

May 11, 24 7:52

Post #10 of 18 (618 views)

Hugs, and I'm sorry for your loss.
Time will help. Also, trust that you and Lucy reaching out to her, even when she didn't answer, had to be meaningful.

Similar situation for us, with an elderly gentleman who had been friends with my mother before she died-- my husband and I would visit him in Florida when we were there (from TX). In his later years, he had recurrent health issues and his last message was that he wasn't up to seeing anyone. He didn't have a spouse or children at the time of his passing. I know he had neighbors and church family. But I pray he wasn't alone. We know he's in a much better place now and hopefully our friendship beyond his friendship with my mom was a good memory for him.

Praying you find peace. Glad you reached out here.

Re: Tell me how to deal with this. [Nova] [ In reply to ]

May 11, 24 14:45

Post #11 of 18 (549 views)

Wow, so much great advice. I knew I was in the right place.

I recently found out she died from pneumonia. That’s just what I heard, no definitive reason. I’m ok not really knowing, I just hope she wasn’t really suffering.

She had some family. A brother and a daughter. I have no way to contact them. I hope they were in touch before she died.

Right now I’m looking back on the laughter and smile she always shared. She was a very upbeat, glass is full kinda person

Thanks everyone.

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace." Jimi Hendrix

Re: Tell me how to deal with this. [Nova] [ In reply to ]

May 11, 24 22:10

Post #12 of 18 (490 views)

Sorry for the loss.

Lots of good advice above.

Mine? Let it hurt. Let it suck. Embrace the loss and the pain. Feel it. It’s real. It’s authentic. Denying it, rationalizing it, is futile.

Seems like we’ve all had too much loss as of late.

And welcome back.

*****
"In case of flood climb to safety"

Re: Tell me how to deal with this. [Nova] [ In reply to ]

May 12, 24 3:48

Post #13 of 18 (463 views)

Very sorry to hear about your friend.

Some thing that was said at a service for a friend who passed way too early as stuck with me:

“You mourn because you will miss them, and especially because you won’t be able to make any new memories with them.”

clm
Nashville, TN
https://twitter.com/ironclm | http://ironclm.typepad.com

Re: Tell me how to deal with this. [Nova] [ In reply to ]

May 12, 24 5:07

Post #14 of 18 (407 views)

Nova wrote:

Wow, so much great advice. I knew I was in the right place.

I recently found out she died from pneumonia. That’s just what I heard, no definitive reason. I’m ok not really knowing, I just hope she wasn’t really suffering.

She had some family. A brother and a daughter. I have no way to contact them. I hope they were in touch before she died.

Right now I’m looking back on the laughter and smile she always shared. She was a very upbeat, glass is full kinda person

Thanks everyone.

I am glad she had family. Unfortunate you didn't get to participate in the end. Friends are precious.

They constantly try to escape from the darkness outside and within
Dreaming of systems so perfect that no one will need to be good T.S. Eliot

Re: Tell me how to deal with this. [Nova] [ In reply to ]

May 12, 24 5:17

Post #15 of 18 (402 views)

Sorry for your loss.
Listen to this song - Jason Isbell Elephant, read the lyrics

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n4GCxdTFEG8

She said, "Andy, you're better than your past"
Winked at me and drained her glass
Cross-legged on the barstool, like nobody sits anymore
She said, "Andy, you're taking me home"
But I knew she planned to sleep alone
I'd carry her to bed and sweep up the hair from the floor
If I had fucked her before she got sick
I'd never hear the end of it
She don't have the spirit for that now
We just drink our drinks and laugh out loud
Bitch about the weekend crowd
And try to ignore the elephant somehow
Somehow
She said, "Andy, you crack me up"
Seagrams in a coffee cup
Sharecropper eyes and her hair almost all gone
She was drunk, she made cancer jokes
Made up her own doctor's notes
Surrounded by her family, I saw that she was dying alone
I'd sing her classic country songs
And she'd get high and sing along
She don't have a voice to sing with now
We'd burn these joints in effigy
Cry about what we used to be
Try to ignore the elephant somehow
Somehow
I buried her a thousand times
Giving up my place in line
But I don't give a damn about that now
There's one thing that's real clear to me
No one dies with dignity
We just try to ignore the elephant somehow
We just try to ignore the elephant somehow
We just try to ignore the elephant somehow
Somehow
Somehow

Songwriters: Michael Jason Isbell

Last edited by: ruby1: May 12, 24 7:02

Re: Tell me how to deal with this. [Nova] [ In reply to ]

May 12, 24 14:51

Post #16 of 18 (338 views)

Nova wrote:

She had some family. A brother and a daughter. I have no way to contact them. I hope they were in touch before she died.

I’m sorry for loss, I hope you find peace with it.

Could the assisted living facility pass on a message to her family? They should have contact info and be able to do that. It would likely give the family comfort knowing there were people who cared for her.

It’s good to see you back, although sad about the circumstances causing you seek advice.

Re: Tell me how to deal with this. [Nova] [ In reply to ]

May 14, 24 3:19

Post #17 of 18 (207 views)

Nova, I am so sorry for your loss.
You deal w it by talking and journaling - that is what I would do at least.
Would the place you visited her have info about a memorial service etc if that is a thing you would want to attend?

maybe she's born with it, maybe it's chlorine
If you're injured and need some sympathy, PM me and I'm very happy to write back.
disclaimer: PhD not MD

Re: Tell me how to deal with this. [ruby1] [ In reply to ]

May 14, 24 5:13

Post #18 of 18 (178 views)

That song made me cry.

I know I am not unique in my experiences, but there was a short period of time in my life where the lyrics was true and she and I ignored the elephant.

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