sphere wrote:
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Have you tried “Our Family Wizard”? It’s an app that’s designed to deescalate conflict by putting everything in a central repository. All email communication and read receipted, it can provide an accounting and categorization of all spending, etc. It was great!
No, but she had considered that option at one point, but found the email-only solution seemed sufficient to manage things effectively and with minimal emotional damage. I'll definitely take a look at it though if you've had good experiences with it.
I can't imagine going through what you did with your ex and son. I'm impressed that her abusive BF isn't buried under a shrub somewhere on your property. From reading the little anecdote you provided I think you probably understand what it's like dealing with a damaged human being and how you reach a point where you've exhausted all desire and ability to continue beating your head against the wall when you know what the result will be. Hard lines enforced by the court are your only refuge. "All the ducks all the time" is the mantra--keep your ducks in a row 100% of the time and document it so there's no foothold for fuckery. Keep all receipts.
I appreciate you sharing those details and your perspective on father's rights. As you know I have a personal interest in that side of it as well.
I can offer a glimpse of hope too. The abusive boyfriend had a satisfyingly painful and drawn out death in February 2021. He had an aneurysm in the fall of 2020 and never left the hospital. He was intubated the whole time and enjoyed his final thanksgiving and Xmas meals through a feeding tube.
This was during peak COVID and the hospital told my ex that she could stay by his bedside but she would not be allowed back into the hospital if she left. So she hung out for 3 months in the hospital with him! She came very close to losing her house since she had to quit her job. I found out a few months ago that her sister and mom had to give her money for food at the hospital during that time.
After he died, she’s been a completely different person. We get along perfectly fine now. She stayed out of the college process other than a sounding board for our daughter and going on visits. My daughter was able to earn an appointment to the Naval Academy, received a 4 year ROTC scholarship to her second choice. My daughter would not have gotten into the Academy if the boyfriend was still alive as he was such a negative black cloud over everything. Plus, my ex would have wanted to run things. Even in good times she’s massively disorganized.
Now, my ex and I host our daughter’s company mates for post football game tailgates, we are pros at it. The ex and I both went to Penn State, prior to the divorce, we had PSU season tix, my folks were those people who rolled into State College on Wednesday in their massive RV and tailgated for 5 days straight. The RV was sold, but we both still know how to tailgate right.
My ex hasn’t said anything to me, but a few months ago she thanked my wife for being the mother to the kids when my ex couldn’t be. Then, my college roomate came to the Air Force game , he hadn’t seen or talked to my ex since before the divorce. He told her she hasn’t changed one bit - she told him she wasn’t in her right mind for a very long time. So, I think my ex has realized the chaos and damage she had caused by her years long denial of the physical and emotional abuse heaped on her and the kids.
Our daughter is in the military, our son is a union electrical lineman making over six figures at 21 and is on his own. I’m always cordial and friendly to my ex now. My wife still hates my ex - all my wife remembers is how awful my ex was to me and the kids so she sees it from a very different perspective. She didn’t know my ex before the ex met the abuser.
